daydreaming

right at this moment i am watching Quest for Dinosaurs on National Geographic and i'm reminded of the fact that i also want to be a paleontologist. so aside from becoming a doctor and a pilot, i also want to travel the world in search of fossils. how the hell am i supposed to fit all of that in my lifetime? haha.

ang galing kasi eh, parang napaka romantic ng notion that dragons once roamed the world. i mean, it's not that farfetched naman diba? they're quite similar to dinosaurs anatomically, the archeopteryx in particular. i guess the most difficult fact to accept about these powerful creatures is that they could breathe fire. but according to one scientist, if the dragon could produce phosphorous or potassium on its own, then methane and oxygen would be enough for it to produce fire. but of course they haven't found out the mechanism through which it could come up phosphorous. other than that however, it's not quite impossible that they once lived. i swear i wanna help in that quest. blah. ang complicated talaga ng tao.

but what's also amazing is the fact that dragons seemed to be ubiquitous. from Europe to Asia to America, dragons seem to be a part of their history. although they were regarded differently (with reverence in Japan and Mexico but with fear in Europe), the fact still remains that people all over the world know about them. ano nga ba point ko? basta yun, baka nga nag-exist sila. hehe. ewan.

gusto ko tuloy ulit pumunta ng UK. the paleontologist in the documentary kasi is from the University of Manchester. kelan pa kaya ako makakapunta dun? i wanna live there na nga eh. haha. i'm so in love with that country talaga ever since i started reading Harry Potter. which reminds me, i haven't read book 6 yet. nyar. oh well, i will find a way to go to the UK before i die and possibly even live there and find me a hot British gentleman. nyahahahahaha! demented.. i know.

sa Yucatan Peninsula pala ng crash yung meteor 65 million years ago noh? amazing.

which reminds me again (aba, chain of thoughts eto), here are some of the things i want to do before i die:
1. go the the UK
2. sky dive
3. scuba dive
4. skin dive
5. fly a plane
6. tour Europe
7. visit an Incan or Mayan temple
8. have my picture taken with the great Egyptian pyramids in the background
9. hear mass in St. Peter's Basilica
10. get into the Hagia Sophia
11. go to Mecca (i know i'm a Catholic but i secretly want to convert to Islam)
12. meet a real life geisha
13. cook a 5-course meal
14. perform kick-ass music in front of lotsa people
15. have kids
16. go to Palawan

i absolutely love the British accent. University of London, here i come! :P

pakshet

i actually have no idea what to blog about today. i'm just terribly depressed and i need to do something to stop my mind from wandering to places i don't wanna go to just yet. i tried to finish off one chunky Kitkat bar but i just couldn't bring myself to. that's how depressed i am. add to that the fact that we have two upcoming exams this week. (how the hell are you supposed to study for research methods?!)

i miss my mom. i miss Buddy. i miss Blue, Red, Gray, Auntie Tes and Uncle Bert. i miss high school life - everything seemed much simpler. everything was sort of like in black and white. now it's grayscale. crap.

but don't get me wrong. med school is fun in a weird sort of way. i mean even if we perpetually complain about the late nights and stacks of transcriptions to read, we still manage to have fun and enjoy each other's company.

there are just times when.. haay.. basta. nadedepress nalang ako bigla (mainly because of stuff not related to acads or school work - i'm immune na to low grades.. hehe). hirap na kasi ng buhay-buhay ngayon. kasi naman, the things i get myself into. hehe. i know it's my fault but i just can't help but wonder sometimes why the hell these things have to happen to me and not some other person. yuck ang selfish.. hehe.

i'm a mess tonight. seriously.

btw, i wanna continue ballet lessons (after 12 years..hehe). is that possible? ewan ko ba. sabi ng mom ko belly dancing nalang daw or yoga.

i just remembered how depressed i am. nyar. this is so weird.

the only thing that's actually keeping me sane at this moment (and i know i'm gonna sound really babaw but whatever) is the fact that me and my daddy dear are going to Greenhills tomorrow to do some shopping. yeah! endorphins galore.

but tonight, i'm depressed.

wow, i actually managed to lengthen an entry that i thought would be a mere paragraph long (ya right). sana magtext siya.. =(

cheezy whatsit

*i know i'm putting a lot at stake here but i don't care anymore. i'm tired of keeping things to myself. i wasn't sure whether i should text him or not so i decided to post this instead. there's little chance that he'll be able to read this but whatever. i don't think it matters.*

Hey, you… You know who you are.

I just want you to know that I still love you despite everything, and that I’m willing to wait until my sanity permits me to do so. You don’t have to decide right now, but I do hope you come to a decision no matter when and what it might be. At least then you’ll no longer keep me hanging.

So many times I’ve told myself to move on, to find someone who’s sure of his feelings for me. It’s just not worth it, right? Yet every time we’re together, my mind is a clean slate. I forget all the pep talks I’ve had with myself… I’m just happy that I’m with you, never mind if at night I’ll wonder if we’ll still be together the next day, or the day after that. Never mind if I’m constantly tortured by thoughts of you suddenly finding someone new and leaving me just like that. Never mind if I’m continuously agonized by that fact that you are unsure of how you feel for me. That by far has got to be the most hurtful of all.

But why do I choose to keep on hurting? Why am I so stupid as to continue loving a person who doesn’t even feel the same way (or at least isn’t sure yet)? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. You tell me.

Haay… You must be really special for me to keep holding on even though what we have is so uncertain. I hope the fact that I’m still here for you means something, and I also hope you won’t take advantage of that fact. I'm sure I'm not asking too much from you though I’m not sure if I have the right to ask since technically we aren’t “us” but, well, you know what I mean. (Ang labo but oh well...)

Grabe, ang martir ko. Haha. Whatever, it’s my choice. And if ever I can no longer take it, then God grant me the strength to pull out. But right now, I’m just here for you and I hope you know that.

post-yoga stuff

pucha ang sakit ng katawan ko.. nag yoga kasi kami ni elaine, sandee, lemuel, sheng, a.l. at kathy.. super hirap pero sobrang sarap ng feeling after! i swear.. tapos next week or next, next week we plan to try belly dancing. akalain mo nga naman.. hehe. kelangan ng mga ganito to keep us sane, lalo na't exams galore kami ngayon. haaay..

speaking of, we have an exam on Cardiovascular physiology this friday and here i am blogging. haha. ganun talaga ang buhay.. masarap maging pasaway. but seriously, i'm gonna spend the whole afternoon (as in 1-6) tomorrow in the library reading my brains out. hopefully i'll be able to finish all or at least most of the transes. haaay.. advance reading has never worked for me. i don't seem to absorb anything when i read something about a week before an exam.. i'm just used to cramming. it's not good, and i know i'm gonna have to grow out of it soon, but right now i'm gonna cram while i still can. haha. dami pa naman extra joss dito sa bahay (although i think i'm immune na to caffeine). nga pala, ang sarap ng basic black iced tea with valencia syrup sa Starbucks. nakaka-addict! super dooper wooper sarap din ng flourless chocolate cake sa San Fran cafe.. grabe! orgasmic! hahaha.. forgive me, na sobrahan ata ng endorphins.

hmm.. what else? i think that's it for now. need to hit the transcriptions if i wanna be a competent cardiologist someday. haha.. that is, assuming i pass this sem. crap. oh well, that's life. :)

i'm back

once again, i'm back to blogging.i used to have another account in Blogger (The Pensieve) but i got tired of maintaining it so i decided to stop for a while. i thought i could stand not writing but i was wrong. there are times when i terribly need to sort out my thoughts (which happens ever so often nowadays), and there's no better way i could think of doing it but through writing. well actually, talking is also a therapeutic way but hindi naman palagi akong may kasama o makausap so sulat nalang. which reminds me.. thank you so, so much, Elaine! i love you gurl! you're the bomb :)

anyhoo, i had a (big) realization this morning. as i was forced to listen to the lecture on Coronary Angiography and Chest PAs, i realized that i was actually interested in cardiology. i think of all the lectures we've had, this morning's lectures were the ones where i was most attentive (especially the first one on adult and pediatric cardio correlates). my attention span was at its maximum, and i enjoyed listening to the lectures.. then again, the lecturer was quite good. but whatever the reason, i was fascinated. i am now considering cardiology as a specialty.. although oncology is still not totally out of the picture. however, i also want to be a general practitioner because i feel it's the best way i can be of service to a lot of people in the province since i plan to return to Cagayan de Oro, or practice in any place outside Manila (primary health care, here i come!). but after this morning, i'm really leaning toward cardiology. although i think it's a pretty common specialty, heart problems are common in the Philippines. ultimate dream ko nga pala ang maging surgeon but i don't know if i have the mental, emotional and physical strength to be one. haaaay.. i'm so happy that i found something i'm actually interested in. now all i have to do is reinforce it.. or i could also explore my options some more since it's still too early. if i find that there's nothing else that arouses my interest, then cardiology it is. :)

kanina din pala, there were pedia patients in class so we'd be able to see cyanotic patients (blue babies) and other patients with heart disorders. there were three kids; 2 were cyanotic, one had Harrison's groove. grabe, nakakaawa sila, and it was the first time i pitied kids (i'm not fond of them.. sorry). although the mortality rate is not that high, kawawa pa rin kasi they're not able to live life to the fullest (cliche but..) because of some congenital disease that unfortunately chose to afflict them. makes you appreciate life even more, especially if you're healthy and blessed.

another thing, when we took up os204 (head and neck) we were of course required to dissect the facial muscles of our cadaver. it was the first time i saw his face, and it was the first time that i fully realized that we were actually dissecting a human being. when we were doing the upper and lower extremeties kasi, the face remained covered, and it was like studying a model or something. but when we removed the cloth that covered his head, i was not as bothered as i thought i would be (ako pa nga nag skin ng forehead niya..hehe), but i came to respect death and our cadaver even more. imagine, we were "violating" and cutting open this once up and alive man so we could have a better understanding of the human body. parang ewan.. nakakaawa kasi sobrang wasak-wasak na siya, isang taong dating naglalakad, nagsasalita, nag-iisip.. at eto kami ngayon sinisira ang kanyang katawan ("Lemuel the Destroyer" and "cut lang ng cut para sikat.." hehe).. pano kung kami yun? pano kung ginawa sa amin yun? it's not disturbing, it just reinforces the sanctity of life and the greatness of death.